Micro Dose
by Doug Bootes
Tired of lame internet dating sites and Tinder? Ready to hook up and cozy on down into an LTR? Try this crazy trick!
One of the most amazing secrets I’ve uncovered through a lifetime of obscure yet ground-breaking behavioral research (and Wikipedia) is that only 5 percent of mammalian species are monogamous, while close to ninety percent of their avian counterparts are 100% faithful - naturally!
What gives, I asked? Then, I discovered the crazy cool chemistry secret of pair bonding!
So, are you a vertebrate? Are you interested in the production and rearing of offspring? Or maybe just looking for a safe, mutually satisfying, bi-weekly walk on the wild side?
Then let me tell you about this new, hypo-allergenic method which guarantees avian-strength affinity from that special someone.
First, choose the desired commitment level:
· Short Term Bushtit - pair bond preferred for transient mating or associations
· Long Term Swan – perfect pair bond for dedicating a significant portion of your life cycle
· Lifelong Double Eagle - our most adhesive pair bond yet - mate for life!
· Hummingbird Social – the ideal pair bond to form attachments strictly for social or territorial interests
· Nighthawk Clandestine - for quick, extra-pair copulations! Fun!
· The Bat VR – the number one choice for DIYers
Then, just sit back and relax while the “flock” of experts I’ve assembled do the rest!
Using our patented, no-consent-needed 5G delivery process, we’ll flood the neurotransmitters of the potential mate you select with vasopressin and oxytocin packed into a mildly hallucinogenic carrier, sending them on a soothing trip down the dopamine-mediated reward pathway, enabling them to become the partner you’ve always dreamed of. All while they sleep!
Whether you crave a single season of mating interaction or a lifelong monogamous bond, we’ll have you two snuggling like prairie voles in no time!
Now, for a limited time & small additional fee, we can increase vasopressin receptors to heighten the pleasure of monogamous behavior!
That’s right, folks. No more wondering if you’re good enough, tall enough, rich enough, or have a big enough yacht! No more checking iPhones while they’re in the shower!
You’ll both be 100% satisfied and fulfilled with What U Got once you subscribe to our professional, nocturnally administered What U Got pair bond management program. Sign up now to receive a free dopamine triggering pillow! (The romantic secret they don’t want you to know!)
What U Got?
Word sovereignty tends to elevate sound over meaning in the prose and poetry of Doug Bootes, who instructs Creative Writing students at the Institute of American Indian Arts when not mentally or physically wandering the open spaces of New Mexico. His somewhat absurdist musings also appear in Poetry Northwest and many other respectable publications. Contact him at dhbootes@yahoo.com.