7 Tips for Installing a Cheap Tombstone for Grammy (Under $639)
by Martheaus Perkins
1. Buy Online
What do crypto coins, uranium ore, 3D printed rocket launchers, urine-powered batteries, and gravestones have in common? You can buy them on Amazon (other retailers available)! Take advantage of that 10% off personalizedgravestones.org Facebook ad you got five days after Grammy died. Virtual markets will provide your family with enough variety—in price and appearance—to fuel weeks of bickering. Note that black and white options are cheapest.
2. Size Matters
Trust me, go for the 20 inch-wide one. This is Grammy we’re talking about. You loved her far more than 13 inches of shitty granite. (Check out our Top 5 Do It Yourself Gravestone Websites).
3. Don’t Burden Yourself with Logistics
Have it delivered to your front yard.
4. Give Up
My, my, you really screwed the dead pooch on that last tip. Now, there’s a chunk of marble with Grammy’s face staring at ash-heavy skies and falling bird shit. Go figure, you (a high school freshman), your diabetic aunts, and tipsy mother—no matter how much cognac she’s infused with—can’t lift 325 pounds. Leave it for a couple weeks; it’ll give you something to wave at before catching the school bus.
5. Use a Dolly
Dolly! You’re a genius; I didn't think of that and I’m the God of Tips. Use a dolly to move the tombstone into your SUV. Remember to keep its receipt! She would’ve wanted you to recoup that $85. Don’t worry, leaving hideous scars in the marble is expected. Grammy always said beauty was internal.
6. Create Your Own Graveyard
If you couldn’t raise the dolly because adding 385 pounds to a dolly makes it difficult to lift, don’t panic. You have a gravestone; you have a front yard. I see a simple math equation. She was an introvert; maybe a private plot isn’t so bad. Plus, you get to up-dig her and bring her home.
7. Contemplate Death
Don’t get too carried away. Focus on the stone—an attempt to immortalize the mortal. Stones don’t get brain tumors the size of grapefruits. Stones don’t need their baby pebbles to order other stones from sketchy websites with a limited 10% off promo code. Stones don’t need their Grandpebbles to be the family’s rock. How heavy should your stone be? Unmovable? Try something gravity-stubborn, wind-ignoring, a testament your family will try to lift forever.
Martheaus Perkins is an undergraduate English major at Stephen F. Austin State University in Texas. He is an African American writer, and his heroes include Maya Angelou, Billy Collins, and Langston Hughes. He dreams of seeing a panda in the wild someday. Perkins can be contacted at martheaus.perkins@gmail.com or @mark__perkins on Instagram.